Oh anxiety, you suck!

Yesterday morning started out great. I woke up early, spent time with friends before work, then came home to finish getting ready for work. Right before I left the house a panic attack set in, seemingly out of nowhere. I tried to put myself together but found myself sobbing every time I thought of leaving the house. This is not good. I kept trying to regulate my breathing, tell myself I was going to be okay, and so on. For whatever reason that just didn't work. So instead I slept, listened to ambient music and did my best to relax. Still feeling pretty nuts I figured it was time to enlist the help of my friends and get the hell out of my own head! My friend came over around 2pm, we talked for awhile then went to a plant store, ate at grilled cheese grill and kept all conversation loving and light hearted. It helped so much!

I also set up an appt to see my psychiatrist this morning and totally overslept :( this of course kicked me back into freak out mode but after talking to my doctor we simply set up an appt for Monday morning instead. Crisis averted!

I'm now on my way to work. I can tell my anxiety is a little high but hopefully will be bearable. I also am doing my best to ask the universe to take these feelings from me so I can be the best employee, friend, and daughter possible today.

Alright, time to do a little reading then get my day started!

Ughhh!

I am out to see a friends band play and am in so much pain I just want to cry. My lower back and legs are so achy I honestly don't know how I'm sitting still. Ok rant over.

well, hmmm...

I'm so afraid I didn't give myself a full dose this time around. I'm managing to get the shot put together and take it a lot easier but I am not strong enough (or maybe still too nervous) to administer the whole shot without applying extra pressure. Once I noticed I reinserted the needle and hopefully more of the fluid came out but who knows. It's not the end of the world but still can't help but be a little nervous over it. Okay, it's been forty minutes or so, side effects should be kicking in soon. Time for sleep.

One month down, ten to go

This has by far been the longest month of my life. I am however,  extremely grateful to have the chance to heal and possibly even clear this silent killer of a virus that sits inside me.

This has been a rough week. Wednesday was the worst, yesterday a bit better and today somewhere in the middle. Now I get to take my shot tonite and go through the motions all over again. I may appear to be bitching, I suppose I am, but I also know this will be over soon enough and seeing how much its teaching me about myself I already know its worth all of the pain and frustration.

I'm making myself go for walks on my lunch hour. Now that the sun is out I don't mind. I think its helping a little with the fatigue too. Not instantly but toward the end of my day I notice I'm not as exhausted as normal.

Ok off to walk for a bit...

Feeling helpless

I don't care for "poor me" updates but today is another one of those days I'd much rather wish I had completely slept through.

I woke up sick in the middle of the night. I think I stayed asleep after that but felt horrible upon waking.

I had to bid farewell to my friends from Canada, too. Because I wasn't feeling well I don't think it showed but it was sad to see them go.

I went and got blood work done today and slept, a lot.

I've been an emotional wreck all day. My body hurts from my head to my toes and I'm just tired. So freaking tired.

I decided to meet up with friends for a bit tonite as I need human interaction before I totally lose it.

Ok enough for now. Thank god tomorrow is a new day!

I just might have this figured out

Today was shot number four. I had plans for dinner and the Oregon Symphony where Storm Large graced the stage for the second year in a row and many friends from near and far also joined. After the show we decided to go out which delayed me taking the shot. I wouldn't normally do such a thing but you know, I see most of these people one time a year at best, I figured a couple of hours wouldn't hurt.

Once I got home and started to decompress from the days events I immediately felt my anxiety rise in anticipation of taking the shot. I talked to a friend for a couple of minutes while my shot was reaching room temperature and he was able to calm me down. Thank god for that!

Now that I've had a mini freak-out, it's time to just do it and hope for the best. I managed to get the shot fully assembled on the first try and gave myself the shot with no problems. Hell yeah! I'm becoming a pro I tell ya! ;)

Now time to get some sleep (hopefully). Tomorrow I may likely sleep the day away until my friends and I meet up for dinner at 7pm. I'm hoping to be feeling okay enough to spend time with people before that but also trying to remember that self care is very important and if I need to rest I am allowed to do so. On that note, I'm calling it. Goodnight!

Sometimes I just want to scream

This has been a really hard 16 or however many days. I can't believe how little time has passed and yet I feel like a century has gone by. I'm in a lot of pain physically right now and mentally I'm all over the place. I would like most to just sleep, but instead I'm crying. I hurt and I really wish someone was available to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. That makes me feel ridiculously codependent however which is not my intention.

This is a scary experience and I just hate the helplessness that comes along with putting myself through such treatment, no matter how "worth it" it is. While I am not up against the same scare as cancer patients and will not die tomorrow with or without this, it is still my body, my mind, and my life that is being affected and right now, it sucks!

I'm glad I can come here and just ramble endlessly if I want. I need an outlet when there is no one around to talk to. Now it's just me, the universe, and of course, the world wide web. This also serves as a journal of sorts, and hopefully one day will be something I can look back on with pride for getting through it. Not solely on my own either, I know this. For I have many friends and family who are already helping me so much. I also hope some day a person will find this blog and be able to see what I went through and hopefully after all said and done this will be a place of hope for others. I know for years all I've wanted to find online were pure, honest details of what treatment was like; sadly it was a hard thing to find.

Okay, time to jump off the soap box I feel I've somehow created and call it a night.