I just might have this figured out

Today was shot number four. I had plans for dinner and the Oregon Symphony where Storm Large graced the stage for the second year in a row and many friends from near and far also joined. After the show we decided to go out which delayed me taking the shot. I wouldn't normally do such a thing but you know, I see most of these people one time a year at best, I figured a couple of hours wouldn't hurt.

Once I got home and started to decompress from the days events I immediately felt my anxiety rise in anticipation of taking the shot. I talked to a friend for a couple of minutes while my shot was reaching room temperature and he was able to calm me down. Thank god for that!

Now that I've had a mini freak-out, it's time to just do it and hope for the best. I managed to get the shot fully assembled on the first try and gave myself the shot with no problems. Hell yeah! I'm becoming a pro I tell ya! ;)

Now time to get some sleep (hopefully). Tomorrow I may likely sleep the day away until my friends and I meet up for dinner at 7pm. I'm hoping to be feeling okay enough to spend time with people before that but also trying to remember that self care is very important and if I need to rest I am allowed to do so. On that note, I'm calling it. Goodnight!

Sometimes I just want to scream

This has been a really hard 16 or however many days. I can't believe how little time has passed and yet I feel like a century has gone by. I'm in a lot of pain physically right now and mentally I'm all over the place. I would like most to just sleep, but instead I'm crying. I hurt and I really wish someone was available to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. That makes me feel ridiculously codependent however which is not my intention.

This is a scary experience and I just hate the helplessness that comes along with putting myself through such treatment, no matter how "worth it" it is. While I am not up against the same scare as cancer patients and will not die tomorrow with or without this, it is still my body, my mind, and my life that is being affected and right now, it sucks!

I'm glad I can come here and just ramble endlessly if I want. I need an outlet when there is no one around to talk to. Now it's just me, the universe, and of course, the world wide web. This also serves as a journal of sorts, and hopefully one day will be something I can look back on with pride for getting through it. Not solely on my own either, I know this. For I have many friends and family who are already helping me so much. I also hope some day a person will find this blog and be able to see what I went through and hopefully after all said and done this will be a place of hope for others. I know for years all I've wanted to find online were pure, honest details of what treatment was like; sadly it was a hard thing to find.

Okay, time to jump off the soap box I feel I've somehow created and call it a night.