I can't believe how much time has passed. It's not THAT long but some days it feels like FOREVER other days I realize I still potentially have months and months to go... I should find out in a week and a half if this thing is working. "What if" started out as a simple statement and has consumed my mind for the last couple of weeks. What if treatment isn't working? What if I just put myself through all of this hell for absolutely nothing? Would I start drinking again? Surely, I will start smoking again at the very least. Something would have to happen whatever that may be. Don't worry, I do not see that being a reality! However, convincing myself that I'm going to be okay no matter what has proved to be a pretty big challenge.
Future tripping aside, this has also brought up a lot of emotion and realization that I'm not actually processing all the changes that are taking place mentally and physically since I started treatment. I want to start doing that, yet I don't have a clue where to begin and that is a very paralyzing feeling. Thankfully I have surrounded myself with some of the most loving friends and am trying to let them carry me without beating myself up for not being able to handle it all on my own. I think I am finally giving into the idea that I can allow those who care about me to help me. It's scary but actually pretty awesome when I let it happen.
I'm moving next weekend from my one bedroom apartment to a kick ass house with two roommates, one of which is a good friend of mine. While in no way do I plan to get all codependent on her ass, I do look forward to just having other people around. Coming home day after day to no one other than my cat is taking it's toll. I love my cat don't get me wrong, but when I'm seriously fatigued and/or sick it's just nice to know another human is physically around. I truly believe this move will be the best possible thing for me.
This might be the most emotional post for me yet... I hope you got something out of it other than me just unloading. I'm trying to keep this as real as possible without sounding completely doom and gloom. No matter how sad or scared or frustrated I get I have yet to regret starting treatment.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What's next?
It looks like the nausea is finally subsiding. It comes back from time to time but it's not nearly as bad as it has been. Fatigue is kicking my ass! Last week I was fine until Friday, did okay on Saturday, and hit a wall again Sunday and Monday. I'm forcing myself to go to work today and I'm sure that'll be just fine. At least I will make it absolutely as long as possible which I'm sure once I'm in a groove time will pass with ease. (that's me staying positive, let's hope it works lol)
Right now the biggest concern is my skin. I'm developing rashes and dry flaky skin it's to the point where my eyelids literally hurt when I blink. It's all over my body but my face is the most noticeable since it's not covered by clothes. I've tried a ton of different creams and things in the last two weeks but nothing has helped a great deal. I went to the doctor yesterday, she's treating it as eczema, gave me a steroid cream and is having me use Cetaphil soap and cream. I'm also going to work with no makeup on and that is really a hard thing to get over. My skin is so red and blotchy and while I know there are a million things worse in the world that could be happening to me, it's really tough to deal with for some reason.
I go see my specialist next Monday. My primary doctor wants him to look at my skin, see if there is any progress and see if he has any other suggestions. I also go back to my specialist on the 4th to find out if the interferon/ribaviron treatment is taking. That has been filling me with fear and I really don't like it. Trying to remember that none of this will kill me, that none of this is the end of the world and that I will absolutely be taken care of no matter what is comforting but not for very long. My mind keeps wanting to make this out to be way bigger than it is. Don't get me wrong, what I am going through is scary and it is a BIG deal however I have to remember I can walk through all of this and I will come out the other side.
Right now the biggest concern is my skin. I'm developing rashes and dry flaky skin it's to the point where my eyelids literally hurt when I blink. It's all over my body but my face is the most noticeable since it's not covered by clothes. I've tried a ton of different creams and things in the last two weeks but nothing has helped a great deal. I went to the doctor yesterday, she's treating it as eczema, gave me a steroid cream and is having me use Cetaphil soap and cream. I'm also going to work with no makeup on and that is really a hard thing to get over. My skin is so red and blotchy and while I know there are a million things worse in the world that could be happening to me, it's really tough to deal with for some reason.
I go see my specialist next Monday. My primary doctor wants him to look at my skin, see if there is any progress and see if he has any other suggestions. I also go back to my specialist on the 4th to find out if the interferon/ribaviron treatment is taking. That has been filling me with fear and I really don't like it. Trying to remember that none of this will kill me, that none of this is the end of the world and that I will absolutely be taken care of no matter what is comforting but not for very long. My mind keeps wanting to make this out to be way bigger than it is. Don't get me wrong, what I am going through is scary and it is a BIG deal however I have to remember I can walk through all of this and I will come out the other side.
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