I can't believe how much time has passed. It's not THAT long but some days it feels like FOREVER other days I realize I still potentially have months and months to go... I should find out in a week and a half if this thing is working. "What if" started out as a simple statement and has consumed my mind for the last couple of weeks. What if treatment isn't working? What if I just put myself through all of this hell for absolutely nothing? Would I start drinking again? Surely, I will start smoking again at the very least. Something would have to happen whatever that may be. Don't worry, I do not see that being a reality! However, convincing myself that I'm going to be okay no matter what has proved to be a pretty big challenge.
Future tripping aside, this has also brought up a lot of emotion and realization that I'm not actually processing all the changes that are taking place mentally and physically since I started treatment. I want to start doing that, yet I don't have a clue where to begin and that is a very paralyzing feeling. Thankfully I have surrounded myself with some of the most loving friends and am trying to let them carry me without beating myself up for not being able to handle it all on my own. I think I am finally giving into the idea that I can allow those who care about me to help me. It's scary but actually pretty awesome when I let it happen.
I'm moving next weekend from my one bedroom apartment to a kick ass house with two roommates, one of which is a good friend of mine. While in no way do I plan to get all codependent on her ass, I do look forward to just having other people around. Coming home day after day to no one other than my cat is taking it's toll. I love my cat don't get me wrong, but when I'm seriously fatigued and/or sick it's just nice to know another human is physically around. I truly believe this move will be the best possible thing for me.
This might be the most emotional post for me yet... I hope you got something out of it other than me just unloading. I'm trying to keep this as real as possible without sounding completely doom and gloom. No matter how sad or scared or frustrated I get I have yet to regret starting treatment.
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