Only one more to go!!!

About a half hour ago I took my second to last shot. I can't even believe it. Crazy! The first month gave me so much anxiety. I hate needles, I still do, but back then I would work myself into such a panic and have a complete melt down before I even gave myself the shot. It was hell!! I don't know that it was the needles so much as knowing the side effects were coming. They were so intense especially at first. Now it seems so common place that I'm not even sure what I'll do with myself when I start feeling better. I'm so excited but almost don't believe it'll happen. It's a weird emotional and psychological place to be in I'll tell you that much!

I experienced a bit of nausea today. It was pretty bad however it didn't last but a couple of hours so that was good. When it comes to this stuff I have learned to turn it into a positive as quickly as possible! I'm still super exhausted. I walked a good two miles today, maybe slightly more to run some errands. I intended to catch the bus but I kept missing it by mere seconds and it was so wet and cold out I figured I'd fare better walking than sitting at a bus stop. Not so sure about that now. I came home and slept for two hours just to wake up feeling sick. I chatted with a few friends online, contemplated cleaning my house but just zoned out instead before taking my shot. Now it's time to call it a night (yet again) and hopefully have enough motivation to get some house work done in the morning. Having zero energy sucks!! Thank god this won't last too much longer!!

two and a half weeks to go!

I can't believe treatment will be over on Jan 20th!! In my head it seems like it's never going to get here but in reality it'll be here in a blink of an eye. Plus I only have two more shots to take!! I keep fantasizing that the fatigue will magically disappear the second treatment is over but even the long term disability rep told me that's not likely to happen. As scared as I am to return to the real world I'm really excited to get on with my life! Having this much needed time off work to take care of myself mentally, physically, and in turn spiritually, has been the best thing that could have ever happened to me! It has been really hard and I've had to work through a lot of things but I'm almost done and that still amazes me!! Not much else to report at this point, I'm just extremely tired (as always) and counting the days until I am done!

Only 3 shots to go!

When I think of it this way it's amazing how quickly it will be over. Jan 13th is my last shot and Jan 20th is the last time I have to take these damn pills. I'M SO EXCITED!!

The nausea has subsided yet again but the fatigue is back almost worse than ever. For at least two days a week I'm doing nothing but sleeping and still have little to no energy to do anything the rest of the days. It's a chore to walk more than a mile and staying up for a solid 12 hours is like breaking some kind of record. It has been done lately because of the holidays and whatnot but again I turn around and end up sleeping for two days to make up for it.

With less than a month to go I'm really accepting more than ever how my life will have to be until the 20th or possible a few weeks after that. If I just need to sleep and take it easy, I will do that. I'm sure that sounds silly to a lot of people. Who wouldn't want a completely valid reason to sleep all day? But for me it's hard because I've always been so active with work and/or a social life that this still, even six months later, feels so different.

I am also excited to see where 2012 takes me. I am enrolled in classes at PCC and looking to take charge of my life like never before. I feel in a lot of ways I have been given a true second chance at life and I'm not willing to waste it wishing and hoping. Accomplishing your dreams takes ACTION and I've proven to myself I'm able to do that so why stop now?

Friday is my 31st birthday. I will be going to see Storm Large with one of my best friends and then coming home and taking my shot. Such a weird way to think of my birthday but again I couldn't be happier that my birthday is yet another reminder of how close I am to being done with treatment!

I hope everybody reading this is having a wonderful holiday season and has a great New Year!

Oh, right... nausea.

So here I just said about ten days ago that the nausea had been gone for awhile. It stayed away until about three days ago when I started feeling much worse and it has more or less stayed for now. Watching what I eat, drinking ginger tea and taking all the required supplements in the world don't seem to be making a damn bit of difference right now either. The positive side? At least I'm not struggling with this at work! I remember how horrible the nausea was during the four months I was still working and I seriously wanted to die. I was so unable to focus, afraid to eat or even talk at times. Since being on leave I've fully learned how to truly take it easy and relax which has made this whole process so much better! Definitely something I couldn't have accomplished had I stayed working!

I've also been able to nap a lot easier these days so I don't feel as sleep deprived as I have in the past. It still comes in waves and most nights I'm not sleeping very well at all actually, but at least my naps (about 3 hours on average) are pretty solid and help keep those zombie-like states I was so often in to a minimum!

Right now it is almost midnight, my stomach is in knots, and my body is tired and sore. My mind is pretty damn awake and I have no true desire to attempt sleep though my eyes feel a little heavy. So yeah, there are still days (like today) that it sucks to be alive but I know the end result is totally worth it! Just a little over a month to go!!

I don't like Mondays

As you all know I take my shot on Friday nights. It takes a couple of days to really affect me and yet I am always somewhat surprised at how out of it I feel come Monday. I slept for about nine hours last night, took a two hour nap and am thinking about going back to bed again after only being awake for a total of eight hours today. Wow it's weird to feel like this, I don't really know how to put it into words.

The nausea has not bothered me for at least a week which is a huge blessing! Still dealing with extremely sore muscles, body aches and fatigue but what the hell, I'll take it! My skin has been acting up a bit again but I think that is mostly due to the cold ass weather we've been having! I'm trying to be as careful as I can though as the skin problems I had early on in treatment felt very devastating and I don't want to go through that again!!

My sleep has been all over the place lately so I think it's a good thing that I'm actually tired. There was at least a week where I would not sleep more than four hours a night, had super vivid dreams to the point of feeling like I hadn't slept at all and yet was completely unable to nap during the day. If I was lucky enough to fall asleep it was not restful and made me feel worse upon awakening.

The good news? My long term disability was finally approved through the end of treatment!!!! I need to call my case manager tomorrow (sorry dude, I've been busy sleepin') and double check that everything is in order but as far as I know we're good to go!! Yay!!! What a huge relief given all the bullshit I've been put through since June!

I will try to update again soon I've been so out of it I generally don't know what day it is which makes it tough to keep up on this thing. Thank you all for reading it though it means the world to me!!

note to self:

As my day has progressed I've felt worse both physically and emotionally. The physical part (mainly nausea) is normal but the headache is pretty intense, add to that the fact that my mind won't stop telling me that treatment is just unbearable, is in itself, unbearable! Ugh. I realized shortly thereafter that I forgot to take my meds this morning and took them in the afternoon. I also didn't divide all of my pills up by day like I had planned to do so I think I forgot to take my anti-depressant. It's weird to think that only one day of not taking it might be the culprit. Well I guess that's about it, just needed to make a note of this for myself and for anybody out there who might end up going through the same thing. Time to take my shot and go to bed. I hope to wake up, TAKE ALL OF MY MEDS ASAP, and have a better night tomorrow, it is after all, a new day!

Getting Through It!

I suppose it's fair to say that things are going well. I've felt a little more sick last week but the fatigue wasn't quite as bad. I went to Seattle this weekend for a high school friend's memorial and was so tired afterward I slept Monday away and didn't leave bed much today until I met up with some friends for a few hours. Now I'm home and actually rather awake though I have no question that if I lay down I will likely fall asleep easily. While I seem to either be nauseous or fatigued day by day at least lately it hasn't been both at the same time. I've had many days like that and I'm glad they are in the past. This thing isn't over just yet though so who knows. I'm just glad I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I received all of my retro pay from work and will be getting paid through Nov 30th. Short Term Disability is reviewing my last doctor notes to see if I qualify for an extension after that. My old phone was freaking out and not holding a charge so I bought myself a new one but otherwise I'm just socking the money away as I have a feeling most of it will be going right back to work for PTO I used but didn't accrue and other various expenses I haven't thought of yet. I have a lead on a potential new job since I likely won't have one to return to in January. Nothing set in stone whatsoever but good to have on the backburner, ya know? I also plan to contact a civil liberties and/or employment lawyer soon to find out what my rights are and if anything can be done. While what my work has done to me appears to be perfectly legal it isn't ethical at all. I don't know if that gives me anything to stand on but I think it's worth bringing to someone's attention as it really needs to change. Enough about work stuff though, that shit just stresses me out!!

At least at this stage in my life I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens I will be taken care of. It's been proven time and time again and I know full well I'm doing the right thing for myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm so glad treatment is working and that I only have two months to go!!! :)