my skin hates me

Behind my ears, on my forehead, eyelids, scalp, back, arms and shins....dry patches. All over the place. Ugh. I feel so gross right now. The steroid cream the doctor gave me is seeming less and less effective. I see her in a week and will ask but until then I better do a damn good job of following her instructions so I can honestly say if it's working or not. It surely doesn't seem to be though.Okay, done venting. Everything else is going pretty good, still tired a lot but that's nothing new.

Good News

I found out last week that my short term disability is approved until July 24th. Ultimately this is good news but a little irritating that I have to be evaluated again so soon. I understand it though, just a bit annoying. This last week was much less active, I slept a lot more and my body was in a lot more discomfort. I went to the gym once and to a yoga class my friend teaches. Apparently those things combined was more than my limit. They've told me from the beginning that exercise will help with fatigue but this isn't proving to be true, at least not yet.

My sleep is pretty messed up right now. I had a fairly active day on Saturday and proceeded to sleep all day Sunday. I was up at 9am Monday and didn't fall asleep until around midnight and yet I'm wide awake less than six hours later. sigh. Good thing I am off work huh? My nausea was also pretty bad yesterday, thankfully that only seems to hit about once a week at most these days but the fatigue is still unmanageable. Speaking of, think I will attempt sleep again or at least just go stare at my ceiling for a bit.

Just what I needed

This last week has felt extremely long. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it has thrown me for a bit of a loop. Medical leave is definitely turning out to be exactly what I needed. While there are still some major stresses, *i.e. not knowing if my short term disability will even be approved and therefore not knowing when I'm getting paid next* just having this time to put myself first is a huge relief.

In the last week I have joined the gym, worked out (either yoga, weights or swimming) three times and have done a lot of walking downtown and in my neighborhood. I've bought a lot of healthier food for the house and am trying to eat at home more. I've also done as much sleeping as I've felt needed but for some reason the last two days or so I can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I still only seem to have five to six hours in me before I just need to chill out and do as little as possible. However not having the stress and mental fatigue from my job have helped improve my mood immensely!! I still get tired and my body still hurts. I still get a little confused and emotional but not nearly like I did when I was working and trying to manage so many things at once. Even when issues do come up there is no pressure to make it go away, I can just accept what is happening and take appropriate action instead of fight with how I feel and what action to take based on "business need".

I'm also starting to really tap into the artistic side of myself and really want to start making things. I don't know yet what those things might be, but what the hell. I have time on my hands and I'm enjoying myself.

I really rather not think about it but for the sake of this blog I will add that my doctor also informed me that a lot of their notes they are submitting to my insurance states I should try to work part time at least on a trial basis. This news is freaking me out a tad as my job literally cannot be done in three hours a day. It's just not possible. I would be a hindrance to my company and those around me and likely more stressed out than I was before I left. This leads me to believe my claim for short term disability will be declined or they will force me to work at my job a few hours a day which as just mentioned is far more trouble than it's worth for all involved. Soooo if you're reading this please put it out to the universe, pray, etc that everything works out. I'm doing my best to simply trust that everything will happen exactly as it's supposed to and that keeps me calm most of the time. It would be super rad to know when I'm getting paid next though!

Okay, now it's time to attempt sleep again. Thanks for reading!

Self Care

How did I skip a week? Well, anyway...

After talking to my doctor the decision was made to take me out of work for approx. 6 months. My treatment will last slightly longer than that so we will see what ends up being best but I hope I will feel tons better by then and can transition back to work.

This has been my first week on leave from work. The last two days I've slept a lot but also ended up holding odd hours (I hold odd hours anyway but for some reason this surprises me, go figure). This morning I woke up ridiculously early and I'm not so happy about it. I'm going to attempt sleep again when I'm done with this update.

It's very weird to not go to work however it's a huge weight lifted from me and will give me a chance to level out and make positive changes. So far I'm taking time to just adjust to my needs. If I need sleep, food, light exercise, etc, I'm doing it. I really need to focus on eating better and plan to start forming that routine in the next week or two.

Speaking of needs, I'm headed back to bed. Have a great day!

So tired...

I'm getting pretty frustrated with the fatigue. Not only am I just tired all of the time but it's causing confusion and irritability. I feel on edge a lot, and know I'm not doing much of anything to the best of my ability right now. I see my doctor in the morning I'll talk to her about it and see what she suggests. I don't know if it will be medically warranted but I really think time off work would do me some good. When I have a very simple schedule I seem to be far less overwhelmed and much happier. I suppose that would be true for anybody but even the smallest of things that wouldn't normally affect people are starting to become crazy makers.

You know what would be great? If I could start feeling better mentally (hey, I'd take physically too) and could turn this blog into a slightly happier read. It bums me out that I feel like I'm just constantly bitching but like I've also said multiple times, my intention of this blog is to be as honest as possible so hopefully when someone else finds out they have Hep C and have all sorts of questions about what treatment might be like this will be there for them. Resources are low, as is awareness, I still need to find a greater way to increase that than by this blog alone. I do thank all of those who read this though and encourage you to help with awareness and get tested!

A little out of sorts

The last couple weeks have been very trying. I feel manic depressive but mostly just depressed. Even though I can say I know better I'm somehow plagued with thoughts that I will always feel tired and therefore worthless and that is just the beginning.

On the good days I'm totally content until I'm alone in silence. Sometimes even then I'm able to turn it over to the universe and be truly grateful for how well treatment is going, how awesome my friends and family have been through all of this, and so on. Lately however I'm crying myself to sleep regardless of how shitty or absolutely wonderful the day has been. I don't like admitting that but I feel I owe it to myself and anyone reading this to be as honest as possible.

Since I obviously don't want to feel this way I'm trying to find actions I can take surrounding all of this. I have been searching for therapists with no luck for awhile now. Yesterday one finally called me back and she's only a few blocks away from my house! I have an appt before work on Thursday, knowing this helps me relax ever so slightly.

I really wonder if I might need to work less. Most days I'm so easily overwhelmed it kinda freaks me out. Yesterday I went to a 2 hour meditation meeting and managed to sleep a little over 10 hours last night. I went to bed feeling extremely overwhelmed even though the meeting was awesome and am pretty on edge this morning. I'm trying to convince myself to change my perspective and that I can start over at any time. Let's hope it works!

Is this thing on?

I updated my blog from my Blogger app last week just to find that the website was having issues and it never sent. Now it keeps erroring out.  Long story short I've been an emotional basket case the last week or so and really fucking tired. I'm still grateful for treatment and all the awesome people in my life that are helping me along the way.