So tired...

I'm getting pretty frustrated with the fatigue. Not only am I just tired all of the time but it's causing confusion and irritability. I feel on edge a lot, and know I'm not doing much of anything to the best of my ability right now. I see my doctor in the morning I'll talk to her about it and see what she suggests. I don't know if it will be medically warranted but I really think time off work would do me some good. When I have a very simple schedule I seem to be far less overwhelmed and much happier. I suppose that would be true for anybody but even the smallest of things that wouldn't normally affect people are starting to become crazy makers.

You know what would be great? If I could start feeling better mentally (hey, I'd take physically too) and could turn this blog into a slightly happier read. It bums me out that I feel like I'm just constantly bitching but like I've also said multiple times, my intention of this blog is to be as honest as possible so hopefully when someone else finds out they have Hep C and have all sorts of questions about what treatment might be like this will be there for them. Resources are low, as is awareness, I still need to find a greater way to increase that than by this blog alone. I do thank all of those who read this though and encourage you to help with awareness and get tested!

A little out of sorts

The last couple weeks have been very trying. I feel manic depressive but mostly just depressed. Even though I can say I know better I'm somehow plagued with thoughts that I will always feel tired and therefore worthless and that is just the beginning.

On the good days I'm totally content until I'm alone in silence. Sometimes even then I'm able to turn it over to the universe and be truly grateful for how well treatment is going, how awesome my friends and family have been through all of this, and so on. Lately however I'm crying myself to sleep regardless of how shitty or absolutely wonderful the day has been. I don't like admitting that but I feel I owe it to myself and anyone reading this to be as honest as possible.

Since I obviously don't want to feel this way I'm trying to find actions I can take surrounding all of this. I have been searching for therapists with no luck for awhile now. Yesterday one finally called me back and she's only a few blocks away from my house! I have an appt before work on Thursday, knowing this helps me relax ever so slightly.

I really wonder if I might need to work less. Most days I'm so easily overwhelmed it kinda freaks me out. Yesterday I went to a 2 hour meditation meeting and managed to sleep a little over 10 hours last night. I went to bed feeling extremely overwhelmed even though the meeting was awesome and am pretty on edge this morning. I'm trying to convince myself to change my perspective and that I can start over at any time. Let's hope it works!

Is this thing on?

I updated my blog from my Blogger app last week just to find that the website was having issues and it never sent. Now it keeps erroring out.  Long story short I've been an emotional basket case the last week or so and really fucking tired. I'm still grateful for treatment and all the awesome people in my life that are helping me along the way.

Ups and downs

Getting the news that treatment is working really helped lift my spirits for a moment but slowly reality set back in that I will be putting up with all of this until January. Ugh.  I suppose it doesn't help that I've been sick the last two days. I tried so hard to make it into work yesterday but my body just wasn't having it. Today I struggled for a moment but managed to make it to work. The longer I'm awake however, the worse I'm feeling. I'm doing my best to stay positive and make it thru the rest of my day but honestly I'm just not sure. I want to sleep for days and would love my muscles and stomach to stop hurting already. Ok, back to work I go...

It's working!!

I went to see the specialist on Monday to check on my skin and see if he had any suggestions. My skin has cleared up for the most part but he wants me to keep an eye on it. We also talked about other side effects then I received the best news to date... three beautiful words:

Rapid Virological Response

RVR means my viral load was negative at 4 weeks. If I had been negative at 12 weeks I would have a 55% success rate. Because I responded so quickly that ups my chances to 90%!!

I can't tell you how badly I needed that news. I was getting so depressed! The doc said he did all the reading up to see if we could shorten treatment to 6 months but there isn't strong enough evidence to suggest it's worth doing so I will still continue treatment for the full 48 weeks. He also told me the fatigue and depression is bound to stick around at this point but at least I have a little more hope and know all of this is totally worth it!!

10 weeks and counting...

I can't believe how much time has passed. It's not THAT long but some days it feels like FOREVER other days I realize I still potentially have months and months to go... I should find out in a week and a half if this thing is working. "What if" started out as a simple statement and has consumed my mind for the last couple of weeks. What if treatment isn't working? What if I just put myself through all of this hell for absolutely nothing? Would I start drinking again? Surely, I will start smoking again at the very least. Something would have to happen whatever that may be. Don't worry, I do not see that being a reality! However, convincing myself that I'm going to be okay no matter what has proved to be a pretty big challenge.

Future tripping aside, this has also brought up a lot of emotion and realization that I'm not actually processing all the changes that are taking place mentally and physically since I started treatment. I want to start doing that, yet I don't have a clue where to begin and that is a very paralyzing feeling. Thankfully I have surrounded myself with some of the most loving friends and am trying to let them carry me without beating myself up for not being able to handle it all on my own. I think I am finally giving into the idea that I can allow those who care about me to help me. It's scary but actually pretty awesome when I let it happen.

I'm moving next weekend from my one bedroom apartment to a kick ass house with two roommates, one of which is a good friend of mine. While in no way do I plan to get all codependent on her ass, I do look forward to just having other people around. Coming home day after day to no one other than my cat is taking it's toll. I love my cat don't get me wrong, but when I'm seriously fatigued and/or sick it's just nice to know another human is physically around. I truly believe this move will be the best possible thing for me.

This might be the most emotional post for me yet... I hope you got something out of it other than me just unloading. I'm trying to keep this as real as possible without sounding completely doom and gloom. No matter how sad or scared or frustrated I get I have yet to regret starting treatment.

What's next?

It looks like the nausea is finally subsiding. It comes back from time to time but it's not nearly as bad as it has been. Fatigue is kicking my ass! Last week I was fine until Friday, did okay on Saturday, and hit a wall again Sunday and Monday. I'm forcing myself to go to work today and I'm sure that'll be just fine. At least I will make it absolutely as long as possible which I'm sure once I'm in a groove time will pass with ease. (that's me staying positive, let's hope it works lol)

Right now the biggest concern is my skin. I'm developing rashes and dry flaky skin it's to the point where my eyelids literally hurt when I blink. It's all over my body but my face is the most noticeable since it's not covered by clothes. I've tried a ton of different creams and things in the last two weeks but nothing has helped a great deal. I went to the doctor yesterday, she's treating it as eczema,  gave me a steroid cream and is having me use Cetaphil soap and cream. I'm also going to work with no makeup on and that is really a hard thing to get over. My skin is so red and blotchy and while I know there are a million things worse in the world that could be happening to me, it's really tough to deal with for some reason.

I go see my specialist next Monday. My primary doctor wants him to look at my skin, see if there is any progress and see if he has any other suggestions. I also go back to my specialist on the 4th to find out if the interferon/ribaviron treatment is taking. That has been filling me with fear and I really don't like it. Trying to remember that none of this will kill me, that none of this is the end of the world and that I will absolutely be taken care of no matter what is comforting but not for very long. My mind keeps wanting to make this out to be way bigger than it is. Don't get me wrong, what I am going through is scary and it is a BIG deal however I have to remember I can walk through all of this and I will come out the other side.