and so it goes...

First things first: Short Term Disability is still under review and could take 45 days, possibly longer. Medical Leave was denied and has to be looked at yet again. I'm so close to giving up on fighting with leave management, but I won't.

As for me I'm much less stressed out these days but I think it's causing me to crash. I finally am living alone in a house that I love in a neighborhood I adore. There was a lot of change and drama leading up to getting to this chapter in my life and now that I've finally had a chance to relax I feel like my body is shutting down. My aches and pains over the last week have been far worse than they've been in some time and I'm easily sleeping 12+ hours or napping multiple times a day unless I force myself to stay awake. Today for example I want nothing more than to go back to sleep but at the same time want to do some cleaning around the house and am afraid if I take a nap I might not wake up until tonight. Sigh. As I type this my arms and shoulders are becoming more and more sore. My hands aren't hurting as bad as I've mentioned previously so that's good, it tends to come and go though so in two days that could be a completely different story.

All in all I'm hanging in fairly well. I only have until the second week of January to keep doing this thing and given how quickly September came and went (well it'll be over tonight anyway) I have no doubt that the next three or so months will cruise right by as well. Thank god for that!!

It's all up in the air

It was just brought to my attention a couple of days ago that my medical leave from work was denied when my short term disability was denied. This doesn't make sense on a couple of levels especially when Leave Management told me that one has nothing to do with the other, but whatever... I also found out my specialist never got documentation to Short Term Disability. As far as I know they should have received everything today. I have also sent an updated medical leave form to Leave Management and am just waiting for the outcome. Hopefully my medical leave at least gets approved and then I can continue to battle it out with Short Term Disability.

As far as side effects go, I was very sick last night and have been very fatigued in general lately. My spirits have been fairly high even with all of the stress from insurance/work bullshit. I've managed to start walking a little more again, maybe close to two miles a day. It still makes me tired after the fact but I'm not as fatigued during the walks. My sleep has been a little off which is probably contributing to my fatigue. My body aches still come and go. Right now it's mainly my neck and upper back. Luckily my legs haven't been giving me as much trouble lately. I'm sure that won't last so hey, I'll take it while I can! On that note I think it's time for some Aleve and a nap!!

Chill time is GOOD!

This weekend it was in the high 90's here in Portland. I haven't been able to tolerate hot weather since being on treatment and this weekend was no exception. A few friends talked about going camping and being that I haven't really done anything this summer I thought I might go. Seeing that Sunday was supposed to be 99 I ended up declining. Instead I went to my mom's air conditioned townhouse, spent time with my mom, ate well, slept a lot, and geeked the eff out on reality t.v.! :D

Besides meeting up with a friend here or there for coffee or food I've continued to spend the week laying low, relaxing and sleeping A LOT! I can't begin to tell you how nice it has been! Part of me started to get upset earlier today thinking I should be doing more. I had to quickly remind myself the whole point of being off of work is to do exactly that. I need this time to recoup and take it easy yet it is so easy to forget. Maybe I've been off work just long enough that it's getting to me, but at the same time I still can't imagine going back to work and being the productive member of a team they would expect me to be.

My hands and neck have been extremely sore for awhile now. My hands hurt again bad this morning but right now feel relatively good. My shoulders and neck feel horrible though! Thankfully I go to my massage therapist tomorrow at noon which should help. That also gives me an excuse to walk around downtown a bit which I always enjoy. It's only supposed to be about 70 degrees tomorrow too, which is pretty awesome!

As if I haven't slept enough today, I believe it is time to hit the hay again. I hope all of you out there are doing well. Thank you for your continued love and support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me and how much it helps!!

7 down, 4 to go

I slept a lot yesterday and went to bed for the night around 10:30 p.m. apparently my body was done sleeping because I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. I'm also feeling really sick the longer I'm awake and it really started to piss me off, then I remembered... The 11th will mark 7 months of treatment which means I only have four more months to go!!!

 I haven't heard back from Short Term Disability yet, I know it's only been a few days but for some reason it feels like a really long time. Thankfully I've positioned myself financially to be off work until after treatment is over, and am staying positive that it will all work out well. The last 24 hours is a perfect example of why I shouldn't be working, I pray they will understand this.

No matter what happens I'm stoked to have gone through treatment. While some moments have felt like a freakin' life time all in all it's moved relatively quickly. All of the side effects (which continue to kick my ass by the way) have taught me so much about myself that I really don't think I would have experienced otherwise, not the way I have anyway.

Back to bed I go. Gotta get lab work done in the morning.

Goodnight (or something like that)

What time is it?

My sleep has been pretty messed up lately. Last week I slept for the majority of two out of four days. This week I had two amazing days of sleep, one of which was 12 hours straight! That was the first time I've woke up feeling that rested in months! Last night I decided to go to bed at 8:30pm so it shouldn't be any surprise that I woke up at 11:30pm and again at 6:30am but of course I want to act shocked. ;)

I know getting on the computer is the worst thing one could probably do for sleep issues but my body is achy which never helps me sleep and I'm noticing just how awake I actually am, so that's that I suppose. sigh.

As for more legit news, I mailed out my short term disability appeal last week. Still staying positive that between my letter and whatever my specialist sends them that they will understand time off work truly is the best option. Guess time will tell...

3am ramblings

As expected my sleep is all sorts of messed up lately! I spent the better part of two days sleeping earlier in the week and now can't figure out up from down. To top it off the nausea has kicked in pretty damn good again. It's so hard to stay up when I'm fatigued all the time yet if I buy in to sleeping it it feeds this vicious cycle and I end up with nights like tonight. All the more reason to be off work I suppose.

Speaking of not working, I have my work cut out for me if it's going to stay that way. I now have a ton of paperwork from my HR department and Short Term Disability that need to be returned in the next couple of days. Getting the items they've requested sent back to them won't be an issue, it's whether or not they still want to deem disability benefits (and now my medical leave) necessary or not. It might always make me shake my head when I think about how stressful medical leave actually is. Granted it's better than being at work, but any added stress is still a pain in the ass!

Insurance Update

I was informed today that my Short Term Disability has been denied past 8/8. I also didn't realize until this phone call that while my case was under review I wasn't getting paid. I can appeal the decision and my specialist stands behind me 100% but he's been doing his job for over 30 years and isn't too hopeful that they will overturn their decision so we'll see. Once I officially receive the denial letter I can submit a request for an additional review along with any medical information I think might be helpful. My specialist will be submitting a letter to them as well. I feel grateful that my job is protected at this point but not having a source of income is slightly scary. If I keep an extremely tight budget I can probably survive for at least a couple of months but also have to take into consideration that I have to continue to pay for my health benefits while I have no pay coming in. I'm doing my best not to freak out about the unknown but it's hard not to. Right now I'm doing a lot of writing and praying and telling myself that it will all work itself out. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't go back to work and expect to not get fired. I tried to work for months when I first started treatment and it became increasingly clear that it was too much for me to handle. It's so sad to think that the insurance company can deem me "better" without any explanation. I still have fatigue and I still don't feel well at least one day a week (Monday's seem to be the worst as of late...today was horrible btw) and I sure can't handle stress personally or professionally. Well, there ya have it. I figure even if Short Term Disability overturns their decision it might take awhile so I'm going to contact DHS or any other assistance I can think of for any temporary help. I'm super stressed out but I know it'll all work itself out in one way or another. Please pray for my sanity and if you have any suggestions or resources I can check out please comment here, I would greatly appreciate it!!