I just might have this figured out

Today was shot number four. I had plans for dinner and the Oregon Symphony where Storm Large graced the stage for the second year in a row and many friends from near and far also joined. After the show we decided to go out which delayed me taking the shot. I wouldn't normally do such a thing but you know, I see most of these people one time a year at best, I figured a couple of hours wouldn't hurt.

Once I got home and started to decompress from the days events I immediately felt my anxiety rise in anticipation of taking the shot. I talked to a friend for a couple of minutes while my shot was reaching room temperature and he was able to calm me down. Thank god for that!

Now that I've had a mini freak-out, it's time to just do it and hope for the best. I managed to get the shot fully assembled on the first try and gave myself the shot with no problems. Hell yeah! I'm becoming a pro I tell ya! ;)

Now time to get some sleep (hopefully). Tomorrow I may likely sleep the day away until my friends and I meet up for dinner at 7pm. I'm hoping to be feeling okay enough to spend time with people before that but also trying to remember that self care is very important and if I need to rest I am allowed to do so. On that note, I'm calling it. Goodnight!

Sometimes I just want to scream

This has been a really hard 16 or however many days. I can't believe how little time has passed and yet I feel like a century has gone by. I'm in a lot of pain physically right now and mentally I'm all over the place. I would like most to just sleep, but instead I'm crying. I hurt and I really wish someone was available to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. That makes me feel ridiculously codependent however which is not my intention.

This is a scary experience and I just hate the helplessness that comes along with putting myself through such treatment, no matter how "worth it" it is. While I am not up against the same scare as cancer patients and will not die tomorrow with or without this, it is still my body, my mind, and my life that is being affected and right now, it sucks!

I'm glad I can come here and just ramble endlessly if I want. I need an outlet when there is no one around to talk to. Now it's just me, the universe, and of course, the world wide web. This also serves as a journal of sorts, and hopefully one day will be something I can look back on with pride for getting through it. Not solely on my own either, I know this. For I have many friends and family who are already helping me so much. I also hope some day a person will find this blog and be able to see what I went through and hopefully after all said and done this will be a place of hope for others. I know for years all I've wanted to find online were pure, honest details of what treatment was like; sadly it was a hard thing to find.

Okay, time to jump off the soap box I feel I've somehow created and call it a night.

That was a trip

For the first two injections I went to bed pretty immediately in hopes to sleep through the roughest of the side effects. Tonight however a friend of mine was down the street and I had told a different friend I would likely be out and about so I decided to venture out and see how I do. I got to the coffee shop a little after 10pm and seemed okay so I decided to go to stay out. By about 11:20pm I'm shaking and my legs feel cold but I can also tell that I'm sweating. A friend also told me a little while later that I didn't look very good either. Around midnight I decide to walk home and just barely being in the cold air was too much to handle. Thankfully one of my friends offered me a ride home. Now I am snacking on some food trying to wind down and call it a night. Not so sure I'll decide to venture out on a lot of Friday nights here for awhile. I have to next week but I think I'll take my shot whenever I get home instead of before I leave the house.

Success!

I'm pleased to say I prepared and took my shot all by myself! This is mostly a big deal because I've been so scared to be alone and there were several failed attempts tonight at getting the redipen set up properly. Then I gave myself the shot quickly without freaking out. Hopefully it continues to get easier from here!

Not a good day

Today is rough. I feel more fragile than I have in awhile. All morning I've just wanted to cry. Everything I eat over the last few days gives me heartburn if not pure nausea. I've also had headaches pretty bad and I guess today is just a breaking point. I really wish I wasn't at work today.

Shot #2 and other stuff

Quick recap of the last few days: I felt better Tuesday and Wednesday for the most part. Thursday about lunch time I really started feeling ill. My body hurt, my head hurt, my stomach hurt. Like I should puke but couldn't. Lovely, I know. So I left work an hour early on Thursday and slept for somewhere around 10 hours, most of you know that's a LONG time for me. I don't get much sleep, some would say not *enough* sleep either, but whatever. ;) I went to work Friday though I didn't feel great. Thought I would get some work done and be on my way. Unfortunately it was a lot of meetings all day which really left me even more aware of how not okay I felt. I left work a couple of hours early. Went to my moms house to sleep then came home to take my shot.

I had some issues getting the needle set this time and also felt horrible physically and was exhausted as well so nothing was okay for me. Thank god my mom was there to help otherwise that shot might have ended up in pieces on the other side of the room and well, that would have been a very costly mistake on my part lol. I really allowed myself to get freaked out this time, even broke down and cried. I tried to tell myself over and over that you can't feel the needle and it's not a big deal, but I sure didn't want to believe it. I poked my leg a couple of times before actually administering the shot. I now have a teeny, tiny Mi Vida Loca symbol on my left leg, haha.

I didn't sleep more than thirty minutes at a time last night. That pretty much sucked. I was up from 5a.m. to 6-something a.m. and up again at 9a.m. to go to the dentist. After the dentist my mom and I went shopping, stopped and ate breakfast and went back to her place so I could sleep. I only managed to sleep for about an hour solid then found myself extremely pissed off that I was sleeping in the middle of the day. *sigh* This is not easy for me. I am used to being so active and the idea of having to lay low on the weekends is not my idea of a good time. Thankfully, I only have 47 more weeks to go. Right now, that thought hardly helps.

We then went to P.F. Chang's to partake in their happy hour food. I also had a virgin pear mojito which was very yummy! I love soda water with lime, but sometimes you gotta mix it up! The bartender who helped us was the same as last week and she's very nice. I love how cheap (and good) their happy hour food is!

I'm also realizing why anorexia and/or weight loss is a common side effect of this treatment. I haven't logged it specifically but it seems to me that I feel nauseous after I eat anything that isn't a small snack. As a friend also mentioned I need to make sure I'm drinking lots of water as well. I do really well drinking water during the week, especially at work, but not as much on the weekends. *Pauses to grab a tall glass of water* Okay, that's better.

Honestly, when it comes down to it I have to say I'm pretty happy with how treatment has gone in it's first full week. It feels a helluva lot longer than a week though that's for sure!

Think that's all I got for now. I was thinking about hanging out with a friend tonight but I'm almost thinking sleep is a better option.

moving right along

Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel completely dead tired. That was a nice change. Headaches are still consistent as well as body aches which mostly come in the form of my legs hurting for a five or so minutes then subsiding. This stuff is odd. But seriously, if this is the worst I have to deal with on a consistent basis I'm pretty stoked. It's gonna be annoying, but way more doable than I expected.

I saw the specialist this morning. It was very much a simple "tell me if you're having any side effects" type of appointment. He reiterated not drinking alcohol, practicing safe sex, and filled out my FMLA paperwork. The doctor also warned me to pay close attention to mood changes. Since depression is common, especially among those who have suffered from it in the past, I need to stay really aware of how I'm feeling and make sure to tell him and/or my shrink ASAP if it gets bad. I also had to have blood work done (this is going to be a very regular thing) and while it was only one vial this one HURT! At least from this point forward I only have to get my blood drawn once a month. "Only," that seems so weird. It could be worse, like once a week. So yeah, again...trying to stay grateful.

It's been snowing here this morning, a weird rain/snow mix, mother nature can't seem to make up her mind. I think I'm going to walk to get coffee in it and then catch the train to work. Have a great day everybody!